What’s a word we’re all familiar with, yet often unclear on?
B O U N D A R I E S
You might be thinking, “Boundaries? Got em.“
Well if you’re so sure, I’ve got questions.
Are they crystal clear? Why are these particular boundaries needed? When and how do you uphold them?
This post is a direct descendant from a previous blog post Dominion Stewards: Embracing the Call to be a Good and Faithful Servant. Remember that one? It’s the one where you and I decided we would be good stewards over everything God has given us! Well, the first order of business is to establish clear boundaries.
IN THE BEGINNING
It makes sense, right? God’s first orders of business when creating the earth were to separate light from darkness, the waters of the heavens from the waters of the earth with what we call the sky, and land from sea.
God had a vision—He brought it to fruition—and defined it’s boundaries.
If that’s not enough proof for you, turn in your Bibles to Genesis 2:15 and say “amen” when you get there.
The Lord God placed the man in the Garden of Eden to tend and watch over it. But the Lord God warned him, “You may freely eat the fruit of every tree in the garden—except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. if you eat its fruit, you are sure to die.” Genesis 2:15-17 NLT
After God blessed and gifted Adam with dominion over the earth and everything in it, this was the very next statement He made. I’m sure that Adam and Eve had many conversations with God while in the Garden of Eden. But this one, the one where God set boundaries, didn’t happen five or ten conversations into their relationship, or after the boundary was crossed. It was conversation number two.
God had a vision—He brought it to fruition—and defined it’s boundaries.
Clearly, it’s one of the first things we must do.
IN THE NOW
I’m not sure where you stand on the topic of boundaries, but it’s starting to feel cliché, and the discussions always seem stale and repetitive to me. So let’s bring Jesus into this, because many times our “boundaries” are just brick walls in disguise.
WHY?
The most important, and most healing insight that I’ve received about boundaries is the “why” behind our need for them. Boundaries, which we often see as nothing more than stop signs, are actually meant to bring us closer to each other and closer to what God has in mind for us. They’re not walls meant to keep people out, they’re not armor for us hide behind, and they’re not weapons to wield in attempts to control or manipulate others. Our boundaries are meant to bring order and peace to our lives and relationships, guiding us in the direction God intends for us.
Who knew, that living within God’s boundaries would produce better, more prosperous lives? Not Adam, not Eve, and typically not any of us—until we’ve tried doing things in our own strength, in our own way, and have fallen short. We tend to hit a certain level of piping hot mess before we finally realize God’s way is actually better! But of course, God has always known what’s good for us. So we can trust that the boundaries He’s given us are actually gifts—gifts designed to keep us in right relationship with Him. And relationship with Him is what will determine the course of everything else. It’s the one relationship that brings out the best in us; and the one that has the greatest impact, both in this life and the next. His boundaries were never and are never meant to withhold, they’re meant to protect, maintain, and grow connection. So should ours.
WHAT?
Understanding the “why” gives so much clarity on “what” boundaries need to be set. If our baseline understanding of boundaries is that they are needed as a way to protect our connections from being interrupted or damaged, they’ll look and feel very different than the boundaries we’d set if we think of them primarily as a way to protect ourselves from others, or demand respect, or for any other reasons we might come up with. God was clear with Adam about how crossing this boundary with the fruit would affect him. We also need to be clear about the things that can hurt our connections—with ourselves and with others.
I like to think of boundaries as bumpers on a bowling lane. The bowling ball (your connections) will roll in the right direction because of the bumpers (your boundaries), and not only will you avoid a gutter ball (a lost and/or dysfunctional relationship), but you’ll also have a much better chance of hitting a strike (better connections). It’s much easier to begin to understand what boundaries are actually needed if we are intentional about the end goal: connection.
WHEN?
Well, God is our ultimate role model, right? He didn’t waste any time, and neither should we! God had a vision—He brought it to fruition—and defined it’s boundaries. As soon as we have vision and clarity on our relationships (to people and things) and how they should flow, why not set them immediately? Instead of letting things unfold randomly by failing to set the right boundaries—or setting none at all. The last thing we want to do is spend our very limited time and energy doing damage control, dealing with the consequences of not having or setting the boundaries we needed.
We don’t have time to take our time setting the boundaries we know we need. We’ve got dominion to exert, authority to step into, and callings to walk in.
HOW?
In Love & Resolutely
Some boundaries are easier to set than others. Some are personal and directed inward. Some are in relation to other people and they don’t require words, they just require your embodiment. Others that are in relation to other people do require a conversation. Ask God for discernment about when to have which. For those that do require a conversation, we should express and uphold our B-words:
- In love. You know the cliche, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.” This really is the case more often than not! How we deliver what we’re trying to express can either clarify and enhance or distort what we’re saying. Even awkward, uncomfortable, painful, and stinging truths when spoken in love are much easier to receive. Depending on the relationship and the boundary being set, the receiver might feel one of those emotions—or something similar. But there’s something magnetic about the truth being spoken with kindness, transparency, and with the purpose of ultimately bringing you closer together. Even when it doesn’t feel good to hear. If I know there’s love and good intention in the heart of the person attempting to express something to me, even if I don’t like what’s being expressed, it’s easier to receive. Even in cases where someone is not receptive to what you’re saying in the moment, you delivering the message in love is more likely to get through when the discomfort settles. We know from Matthew 12:34-40 that what flows from the mouth comes directly from the heart, so ask Jesus to put your heart in the right place and give you the ability to communicate and express the truth in love.
- Resolutely. You better not flinch! What reason do you have to question or waver on your boundaries when you have love in your heart, God-given clarity, and a true intention for connection? Has He not commanded us? Be strong and courageous. Our boundaries aren’t up for debate or left open ended. After we say what needs to be said, that person has the option to either accept or reject it—at any time. But you said what you said. If you’re working toward connection and they’re working against it, that’s a relationship to re-evaluate. Something to note: some people love testing boundaries. I think it’s just a human thing. People want to see if you’re serious, (especially if you haven’t been in the past) but it’s on you to be resolved. We humans don’t like limits and can sense insecurity and uncertainty in others, so I highly recommend you embody the nature of that boundary and be secure in it.
ROADMAP
Sometimes we need real life examples, so I’ll give you a few to think about and personalize. They’re just examples, don’t think too hard!
Vision: A relationship leading to a Christ-centered marriage. What you’re aiming to protect: The purity of the relationship. Boundary: Limiting physical contact.
A conversation could look like, “Hey Leah, I really value our relationship, and I want to make sure I’m doing my part to protect both it and our hearts. I’m going to be mindful of not being too touchy so we don’t stir up lust, and I ask that you do the same.”
Vision: Speaking to others in a way that honors God. What you’re aiming to protect: The integrity of your speech. Boundary: Refraining from engaging in drama and gossip.
This boundary may not require words; simply being unavailable to discuss gossip or drama can be enough. However, if a conversation is needed, stating something like, “I’m not sure that’s true, and I’m not here to make assumptions about things I don’t know,” will effectively shut it down. People will quickly realize you’re not the one to engage with on these topics and will move on.
Vision: Remaining tethered to God and making Him your highest priority. What you’re aiming to protect: Your relationship with God—your livelihood. Boundary: Not engaging in conversations or opening yourself to distractions before spending dedicated time with God in the morning and at set times throughout the day.
This is another boundary that might not require words, but if it does, you could say something like, “I need to spend some time with God before we get deep into our conversation. I’ll get back to you in a little while.”
Vision: To be a good financial steward, enabling you to make a greater impact for the Kingdom. What you’re aiming to protect: The health of your financial accounts. Boundary: Declining outings and purchases that are unnecessary or excessive.
If your friends and family are inviting you to join in on all kinds of activities, you might need to get more comfortable with saying “No.” A conversation could go something like, “I’d love to join you/do X, but with everything I’ve got going on, it’s not in the budget right now. If you’re planning to do this again, let me know, and I’ll try to plan for it.”
Vision: To cultivate and maintain a healthy and loving marriage. What you’re aiming to protect: Your connection and quality time together. Boundary: Declining work-related matters at set times or after a certain hour.
Not everyone will be able to set this boundary—you know your job and what’s possible for you. But for those who can, this may not require a conversation. It’s about being intentional in separating work from home life. If a conversation is needed, you could say something like, “The time I have with my family is important to me, so unless it’s an emergency, please don’t call after 6 p.m.”
Only you and God know the boundaries needed for where you’re headed. I pray that as we continue our journey of drawing closer to God, those boundaries will become clear and that you would enforce them with the same Spirit that God does. May we all embody and set the boundaries necessary to foster the connections we need and move in the direction God intends. With our eyes set on eternity and our hearts focused on God, let’s shift the way we talk about and think about the “B-word.”
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